--BRITISH WIT HITS HOME MUCH OF THE TIME:

• “Nobody can be truly English until he can say “really” 17 different ways.” --Paul Johnson
• “Definition of a Londoner: one who has never been to Madame Tussaud’s.” Craig Wills
• “Remember the kettle, always up to its neck in hot water, yet it still sings. --Olde English Saying
• “If you are foolish enough to be contented, don’t show it, but grumble with the rest.” Jerome K. Jerome
• “A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be, and the most pleasurable to have and to hold.” --Julie Burchill
• "The test for true love is whether you can endure the thought of cutting your sweetheart’s toenails.” --W. N. P Barbellion
• “No man should plant more garden than his wife can hoe.” --English Saying
• “The only time my education was interrupted was when I was at school.” --George Bernard Shaw
• “The best research for playing a drunk is being a British actor for 20 years.” --Michael Caine

--REAL BUMPER STICKERS WITH A MESSAGE:
• Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?
• I brake for no apparent reason
• I’ll bet you a new car that I can stop faster than you can.
• Everybody has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
• I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
• If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
• If I throw a stick will you leave?
• Caution: I drive like you do.
• Politicians and diapers need to be changed - often for the same reason.
• I'm multitalented. I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

--CHANGE A LETTER IN A WORD AND YOU’VE GOT A WHOLE NEW DEFINITION:
• Sitcoma: Typical TV fare.
• Errorist: A member of a radical terrorist cult who blows himself up in a mannequin factory.
• Wisenheifer: A calf who sneaks up and tips over sleeping cows.
• Unipal: A guy who uses the one next to you even though the others are unoccupied.
• Rescute:Saving the attractive women, children and puppies first.
• Tskmaster: An ineffective slave driver.
• Whord: A group of prostitutes.
• Idiotarod: An annual Alaskan race in which morons pull huskies sitting on sleds.
• Eficient: Extremely efficient. --TESTING YOUR PREFERENCES:
• Where would you rather live? Sun, Mississippi or Moon, Mississippi?
• Would you rather live in Paradise, California or Hell, Mich.?
• What’s your preference? Smart, Virginia or Dumbell, Wyoming?
• Would you rather be in Straight, Oklahoma or Gay, Okla.?
• Would you prefer to reside in Duet, Virginia or Solo, Tenn?
• Where would you like to call home? Chance, Montana or Fate, Texas?
• Would you rather hail from Hate, Cove, Massachusetts or Love Cove, Maine?

NOW GET THIS - UNBELIEVABLE:
• The world’s largest will was 95,000 words and took more than 20 years to complete.
• The world’s smallest will was written on the back of a postage stamp. It included the required signatures of two witnesses.

--SAY YOU WANT A NEW JOB? HERE’S SOME IDEAS OFFERED BY OUR GOVERNMENT - THEy'RE REAL:
1. Ripening Room Attendant
2. Bed Rubber
3. Bologna Lacer
4. Nibbler Operator
5. Pickle Pumper
6. Lap Checker
7. Fish Flipper
8. Brain Picker
9. Toe Puller
10. Bean Dumper

--IRREGULAR NEWS:

--A Turkish bus driver glued part of his ear back on after it was cut off by thieves. He refused hospital treatment and bought a tube of super glue instead.
• A couple in Australia named their three children Kitchen, Bedroom and Garage after the rooms where they were conceived. A 41-year old Rumanian Colonel has been living for the last year - stark naked - at the bottom of a 30-foot hole dug in his living room. He says he can’t face people after his girl left him.
• A few years ago, sponsors of a Bangkok beauty pageant selected 40 contestants our of 200 semi-finalists to vie for the title of Miss Acne-Free 2001. The contestants were actually selected on the basis of how severely pimpled and pock-marked their faces were.

--GET THIS IF YOU THINK THE ECONOMY IS DOWN:
• A used DC-9 airplane costs more today than it did when new in the 1970s.
• The Humane Society in Brookfield, Wisconsin announced a scratch-and-dent sale on disabled pets offering half off prices on animals such as a toothless dog and a blind cat. The regular price was set at $150.
• Ben & Jerry’s ice cream was started in a Vermont gas station in 1978 by two guys with a commitment to high-quality foods and second highest priced ice cream on the market, behind Byers.